For a long time, I thought I was supposed to show up online as this picture-perfect version of myself 💅
To only show the side of me who had things figured out, and hide the parts where she was still finding her way.
But this was a one-way ticket to burnout, because I had to use so much of my energy to do so. And not to mention what it was doing to my self-worth and confidence. (Imagine someone telling you every day that you’re not worthy as you are 🥹)
And ever since learning that lesson, one of my values has been to always show up authentically, or not show up at all.
So today I want to talk about a part of me that is still figuring it out.
And it’s not easy.
Maybe that’s why we see so much of the "highlight reels" on social media and not so much of the journey of how someone got there.
The vulnerability is HARD 🥹
But here we go.
For years now, I’ve had a very long, unhealthy, and quite abusive relationship with nicotine.
There have been a lot of break-ups, a lot of getting back together, quite a few one-night stands, but I just haven’t been able to shake that one off yet.
It’s a persistent little bugger that always finds its way back into my life.
And I know why.
It’s been imprinted into my brain for so long — the craving, the triggers, the action itself. It’s become so automatic that there is no conscious effort required.
And what’s more, it has been imprinted into my personality.
How so, you may ask?
Well, when I think about all the small things I need to take with me to spend a day away from home, nicotine has become part of that list, alongside my other essentials.
And lately, I’ve let it be while diving head-first into research on how to separate from it once and for all, using myself as a test subject.
And one thing I keep coming back to again and again is something that I preach in everything I teach:
Awareness is the key.
I started my "life experiment" with the step that all the habit experts rave about — make the habit obvious and easy to do, or in my case, make it hard and not easily accessible.
So for a couple of months now, I’ve been placing my nicotine pouch in a drawer, so every time I want one, I have to get up, open the drawer, and look for it at the very back.
And it worked well for a while.
The triggers from the outside world were eliminated, and the frequency started to lessen.
Now all we had to concentrate on were the triggers from the inside.
And what I mean by that is that research shows that 90% of the triggers for any coping mechanism come from internal triggers, and are mostly us trying to avoid feeling something — boredom, loneliness, grief, sadness, fear, worry, etc.
And because my system had made a connection:
not wanting to feel → nicotine → temporary relief → let's do that again
My work is now to break that.
So I’ve started telling myself, every time I do use it, how bad it makes me feel. To give my brain a new reality:
not wanting to feel → nicotine → feel awful → let's NOT do that again
But while the drawer situation was working very well for a while, I noticed yesterday that it had now become a new routine in my mind.
It now takes me no conscious effort AGAIN to go and get my fix.
So I’ve hit a plateau.
Our brains are just too clever 😩
BUT, if you thought I’d let it win, you're fairly mistaken.
I moved it to a new place yesterday — on the other side of the room, on a top shelf.
And I have been internally giggling every time I find myself opening the drawer and finding it empty 🤣
In conclusion, I’m still figuring it out, taking it day by day, and as you can probably tell, having fun with it 🤪
Yes, it’s annoying to have a habit that you’re not proud of, but I also find it fascinating to witness how amazing our system is, and how we can learn to work with it instead of against it.
I’ll keep you updated on my journey, and if you have any good tips or tricks for me to try, send them my way or leave me a comment on my last post.
PS: Check out my newest post here
With all my love,
Darja x
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