A story about how I accidentally did 🍄 and realized that the fear we feel is mostly about being afraid of feeling something again. Leeet me explain, okaaaaay.
This one needs context. Looool. 🤣
And before I dive deeper, this is *NOT me promoting anything. This is me just sharing my experience, and everyone, do your own research, make your own conclusions, and make your own decisions*. Okaaay, gang? 🤓
Now that this is out of the way…
As I mentioned a couple of letters before, I’m revamping my daily routine, my habits, and I have been going deeeep.
And I discovered (rediscovered actually, to be completely honest with you, just got another confirmation, as we do in life), that changing my routines has less to do with what I do during my day, and more to do with who I think I am.
True change comes from identity change - just gonna leave this here, for my own benefit as much as yours. 🤭
And last week, as I was trying to navigate my way through this, I felt resistance on a deeper level.
And as I have used 🍄 in my past successfully when navigating change, I decided to create some space to really sit with myself and see what would come up.
And boy, did they come up 🤣
I was listening to my favourite tarot reader on TikTok (she’s THE best, if you’re into this), and as she was talking and confirming everything I already knew in my heart, I got this huuuuge download that spiralled me into this out-of-body experience.
All the fears, all the limiting beliefs, all the unworthiness I had been (unconsciously) carrying came up to the surface for me to feel.
And after the emotions had passed, after I cried my eyes out, I was left with this:
I have been afraid to feel excited about my future (therefore also blocking it), because I was afraid to feel disappointed again.
And not just your regular "ohh, she cancelled again" type of disappointment, but the deep, soul-crushing pain of it that I had felt when I had just turned 15.
Because the realization came with something else - a memory of me being sooo excited to go on my last school trip, making it my first international trip ever, just to find out that I wasn’t going. That there was nothing I could do to make it happen. Nothing.
And it may seem trivial to you right now, but to my 15-year-old brain, it felt like the end of my life.
It wasn’t just about me missing the trip (disappointment), it was also about everyone else going (me feeling isolated, left out, different, less than), and about not being able to solve the problem (feeling powerless, feeling disappointed in my mother, resentful even).
And as I was sooo young, and also didn’t have role models showing me how to regulate my emotions, I didn’t know what to do with these emotions.
They felt sooo big. Too painful. Just tooo much for me to feel, so I stuffed them down, and have been doing that ever since.
But this seemingly small matter of "stuffing them down" and not closing the emotional loop (allowing them to wash over me and just feeling them), meant I have been carrying this memory with me ever since.
And it has been silently holding me back. Silently stopping me from ever feeling too excited about something again.
Because, "Careful, careful, remember how much it hurt last time? We don’t want to feel that again."
But after I let myself sit with all of that - feeling, crying, laughing - I felt sooo calm.
Not just calm, but content.
And right after, I went and did something for my business that made me feel more seen than ever before, and it felt natural, whereas before I would have been afraid to make that decision.
That’s how feeling our emotions frees us from our "blocks."
And I love catching myself in those moments after, thinking, "I can’t believe I just did that." 🫣😁
And that all got me thinking:
I’d rather feel excited and maaaaaybe disappointed than never feel excited at all. 💅
Until next week ❤️
With all my love,
Darja x
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